So now what…

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Ok so It’s taken me a while to get back to blogging about my IVF journey. Warning.. This is purely a mental long rant to help with my therapy. 

So first comes major denial, no tears, just numb, then angry, then overwhelming sadness consumes me most days….but I find my strength from somefuckingwhere and power through. I need to be there for my miracle man, husband and animals. 

Things need to be done, work needs to be completed, I have deadlines to meet – my business is booming & that helps & is great… But I’m struggling majority of the time to let go of the needy maternal feeling of wanting a little sibling for my son.

Seeing beautiful preggo woman pangs me in the guts, a friend just had her baby, I really want to be there for her more, but I can’t, I see the way my son plays alone and feel so sad I couldn’t provide him with a lifelong friend. I hope one day he understands why & I will ensure he is never lonely. 

I think hubby has been so busy with work he’s ok… I don’t know, he doesn’t say much?? I’m not ok and still need time to grieve.

I am drinking a bit more at night, that’s got to stop. Started boxing and ramping up yoga a bit to help. 

I admit I had trouble for a while reading the blogs from all you wonderfully supportive people because it hurt seeing the preggo announcements, cycle phases knowing I would never do it again & it really hurt reading how sad you guys were with the BFN .  I’m getting stronger and able to read them again and hopefully able to provide supportive comments moving forward. 

I have been thinking about and doing IVF since 2011 and my god I won’t lie, it’s nice to not have to think about needles, what cycle day it is (though I still do), scheduling stupid pointless doctors visits, worry about upcoming events and which ones I may need to get out of, the rollercoaster of the TWw, finding the money and emotional strength for another round – all up we have spent $45k on this journey!!! Anyway the fucking ginourmas list goes on.

I totally know I need to focus on the now, how unbelievably lucky I am and make the most of every minute with my little man. 

I need to set little goals and look forward to possibly celebrating my 40th in Vegas next year? (I’m from Oz, so massive trip) …. But it also fucking hurts that I have reached the end of my journey.  I’m a bit in limbo, pretty sure I need time to grieve for my miscarriage last year and the further two frosties that didn’t make it.. Did I do everything I possibly could to make it work…probably not.who knows??  not going to beat myself up about that. 

So now what … universe come at me & show me what ya got! 

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Mind games

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

My god this is torture! My gut is still telling me no, it’s day 29, blood test tomorrow… I’ve been an anxious mess and I know the progesterone pessaries are making my symptoms amplified.  

I had a coffee this morning and worked my arse off in front of my computer to keep my brain busy.  

This is the first IVF cycle I’ve done not going to a job….I think I prefer being at a bloody job, as the ease of chilling in the couch to watch reality tv, whilst I feel shit is way tooooo easy. 
I just want to know!!! Up at crows fart (6) for the blood test in the city then keep busy busy busy, till the phone call – eeeeekk ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป