Hug a stranger . . .

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Today I hugged a stranger…felt good. I should do it more often.

We ended up in the lift together on our way down, our journeys meeting for this fleeting moment where we kinda needed each other.  Me to give her strength and her to give me strength I guess?

She noticed my bag of goodies and noted what I had and how she feels when she sees the bag, I responded with my usual vocabulary with “Yeah its a fucking nightmare isn’t it?”.

As I go to leave she holds the doors open to ask about my journey so far and has the watery look in her eyes that I know only too well.  She has just had the pregnancy test and notes how it’s going to be a long day, it’s her first cycle and she has no idea if she is up the duff or not.

I told her to keep busy as much as possible today, to be strong but not too strong that you hold it in too much and I wished her so much luck.  I tried to hard not to cry when i spoke to her as she needed my strength and as I gave her my advice, she looked at me for hope, especially after I said that I had a successful first round of IVF and it is definitely possible that she could be pregnant. God I hope she is…

Overwhelming much?

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Today is day 1, well technically in cycle terms its day 2, but to me in my head – its day 1.  The beginning of a yet another massive emotional roller coaster month.  I have just picked up my needles/drugs and dropped my ball of strength somewhere along the way.  Not sure what the hell happened there.

I am suddenly overwhelmed and felt for sure I was doing ok, I was ready for this.  The instructions for all the drugs, going through the days of what I do when with my nurse (thinking in my head, I need to design a calendar to help me and my hubby visually understand what is coming up and project manage this like I do everything else), picking up the drugs and then heading home.  During all this I am taking longer than I thought I would be and hubby will be freaking out and needing to get to work!

I loose my strength and have a ball in the car.  Not like me, but well needed and fuck it, I can do this. Time to pick myself back up get home and start jabbing.

I empty out the bag of goodies on the kitchen table and wonder where the hell do I start and I don’t remember a bloody thing the nurse told me, there is so much stuff!!! What if I stuff it up, put the wrong needle in the wrong day, screw up the dosage? or shit, I had a cold and flu tablet this morning cause I am still sick – is that wrong, I had a coffee, should I have done that????

After about 10 mins of fumbling around I sit down in the kitchen while my little man plays in the lounge, totally oblivious to what I am doing.   I try and ring hubby to get some moral support, he doesnt answer…damn it I have to do this alone.

So with shaky hands grab my flabby guts and go to jab it, I try but my hands are shaking so bloody much I miss it and need to re insert needle.  I am stronger than this, not such a big deal, gotta beat the silly thoughts, grab the strength within and give it another go, which I do. Stings like shit and I am done.  Feels good to be done and i can do the rest no worries.

Feeling a bit sick now… will go rest while little man sleeps… heres hoping its a nice long one today as I need to “type it out”.

What people say…

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Sometimes I hate opening up to people who ask, I crave the support often, but then I cave and open up to someone who might not understand or who gives me less than I needed at the time. God it’s like no matter what you do or say, sometimes you don’t know what you want!

The truth is nobody knows what you are feeling and going through right now, other than someone who has been through it.

Some say “don’t worry, it’s ok,  just be happy with what you have already with your son” is hard to hear and I have said it to another person trying once to conceive naturally (even after I did IVF initially – I should’ve known this wouldn’t cut it as comforting words) and this reminds me I must apologise for saying it.

Whilst It is by no means wrong and I appreciate the thought…it makes me feel guilty for wanting another child, like I should be happy with what little miracle I have and not be greedy.

There are others out there who say nothing or who pretend to give a shit and others that are amazing and I know I can talk to them always and who check in on me. You rock and I appreciate those people heaps.  It’s nobodies fault – why should anyone know how to act.  Nothing anyone says is wrong! But Unless you have been through this, nobody can possibly understand how I am feeling.  I guess you just end up talking to the people that give you support and who you know will be there for you no matter what.

ivf keyboard therapy…time to type it out

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

My journey so far… where do I begin? This brutally honest blog is intended to provide me with some therapy while I go through my fourth round of IVF.

After years of trying, prodding, probing, chlomid, laprosectomy and golfballing,  I was finally told we had unexplained infertility.  After a few years of trying we were successful with a first attempt at a fresh transfer and in 2012 we had a beautiful boy that I am enternally grateful for.

Earlier this year I used my last two frosties and one by one attempted two more rounds. Unfortunately without success.  I am going through IVF again in the hope to give my little man a sibling, a mate, a best friend for life. I guess I feel like it will complete our little family and this path is what I am supposed to do.

There are a million people out there with way more going on in their lives right now than I do and I am also aware that I am extremely fortunate to have a child through IVF when other woman are not so lucky.  I feel so much for couples going through their journeys, their own destiny’s where they cannot understand “Why the Fuck is this not working!!.

This blog is all about me! for once I am being selfish and spending time on my little macbook to get my feelings out instead of holding them in as I have done in the past.  Screw the chores and the work I am supposed to be doing!  The only way I can get through this emotional roller coaster is to type it out! Hence the name of my blog “ivfkeyboardtherapy”.

I hope that in someway one or two people out there might like to also read my story and relate or feel free to share their stories as a way of therapy. No judgement here, just a place to vent with others who are or have been in the same boat.