So now what…

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Ok so It’s taken me a while to get back to blogging about my IVF journey. Warning.. This is purely a mental long rant to help with my therapy. 

So first comes major denial, no tears, just numb, then angry, then overwhelming sadness consumes me most days….but I find my strength from somefuckingwhere and power through. I need to be there for my miracle man, husband and animals. 

Things need to be done, work needs to be completed, I have deadlines to meet – my business is booming & that helps & is great… But I’m struggling majority of the time to let go of the needy maternal feeling of wanting a little sibling for my son.

Seeing beautiful preggo woman pangs me in the guts, a friend just had her baby, I really want to be there for her more, but I can’t, I see the way my son plays alone and feel so sad I couldn’t provide him with a lifelong friend. I hope one day he understands why & I will ensure he is never lonely. 

I think hubby has been so busy with work he’s ok… I don’t know, he doesn’t say much?? I’m not ok and still need time to grieve.

I am drinking a bit more at night, that’s got to stop. Started boxing and ramping up yoga a bit to help. 

I admit I had trouble for a while reading the blogs from all you wonderfully supportive people because it hurt seeing the preggo announcements, cycle phases knowing I would never do it again & it really hurt reading how sad you guys were with the BFN .  I’m getting stronger and able to read them again and hopefully able to provide supportive comments moving forward. 

I have been thinking about and doing IVF since 2011 and my god I won’t lie, it’s nice to not have to think about needles, what cycle day it is (though I still do), scheduling stupid pointless doctors visits, worry about upcoming events and which ones I may need to get out of, the rollercoaster of the TWw, finding the money and emotional strength for another round – all up we have spent $45k on this journey!!! Anyway the fucking ginourmas list goes on.

I totally know I need to focus on the now, how unbelievably lucky I am and make the most of every minute with my little man. 

I need to set little goals and look forward to possibly celebrating my 40th in Vegas next year? (I’m from Oz, so massive trip) …. But it also fucking hurts that I have reached the end of my journey.  I’m a bit in limbo, pretty sure I need time to grieve for my miscarriage last year and the further two frosties that didn’t make it.. Did I do everything I possibly could to make it work…probably not.who knows??  not going to beat myself up about that. 

So now what … universe come at me & show me what ya got! 

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Nope :-( 

FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

I’m numb, havent cried yet? I can’t , it just won’t come out.  I don’t know when it will hit me, but I know I’m so disappointed with the end result from lucky no.5.  Turns out she wasn’t so lucky after all.  A big fat fucking negative 😦 

That’s it now, we are done. We are emotionally and financially finished. I have a beautiful miracle nearly 4 year old – who I don’t take for granted ever. He gets told everyday how lucky I feel to have him.

I just hope he is not lonely like I was as a kid, I just have to make sure he has the best life I can possibly give him.

I will still keep an eye on all you girls and your journeys as I cannot thank you all enough for your support during this horrid and emotional rollercoaster journey while I’ve been “typing it out”.

Praying for you all to get your beautiful babies, never give up on your dream 🙏🏻🌺🌟⭐️ xxx 👧🏻

My nurse Lou Lou 🐩

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So far the wait is ok.. 7DPO and only 3 days since transfer.  I’m sick with sinus infection, feeling soooo tired which I’m happy about. Little twingey here and there in my bits, but nothing too major too report yet.

I’ve given work the arse and My beautiful Lucy Lui the cavoodle is looking after me today .

Hope all my fellow IVF’s,  TTC’s & Newley  IVF preggo chickies are doing ok, thinking of you all and your journey. Stay strong xx 🙏🏻🌺

Dr. Dickhead 

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So it’s done…no.5 has been implanted and we wait till 18/4 for result!!!😁😳🙏🏻

Every time I know in my heart if it worked or not.  I must admit yesterday worried me a little as it was diff to every other time Ive had a transfer.

Dr walks in with barely a word (thanks dickhead) & shoves his machinery in and says so here’s the clamp, and begins what feels like a jack being lifted on a car wheel??   thanks captain obvious I guessed that. So my bladder is beyond full (last time it wasn’t enough) he spends literally 5 friken minutes poking around in there and no words were spoken? Chick doing ultrasound just kept moving around the wand on my guts. 

Was like they couldn’t find the lining? I was trying to relax and kind of holding my breath , my hubby was just watching and then finally the embrologist comes in and they do their thing. 

This time they don’t say it’s there in the lining and show us on screen, nor do I see it on the lining myself as I have previously. They say it’s done and ok and leave. 

Seriously I get that they all do it differently and the doctor is super smart and feels he is above us normal folk – but would it kill you to give me something during this experience?? Do they just forget along the way that we are human and this experience is pretty fucking emotional for us! 

I got up and wanted to pass out, I felt crap after this time and took a while to get back to myself. Did my usual trashy tv afternoon to relax and mum had my lil man. 

Anyway, aside from all the above..we are done and now we wait……. The hardest part of it all. 

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Lucky #5 

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So I have been a little MIA of late. Getting my head right and organised for our last ever FET ON Wed 6/4 😁😁😁😁🙏🏻

I had my last ever ovulation blood test on Sat morn and completely lost it driving home, I was a blubbering mess.  Certain songs just set me off then I was done. It was like I had an overwhelming sense of relief that I never have to have another ovulation test and after these next two weeks, never have to deal with IVF ever again.  We are emotionally and financially done, done, done!!! 

I ovulated day 12 of cycle which is earlier than usual! Got a chakra cleanse on Thursday and hopefully get some magic potion to make this little frostie stick ☺️ just want to know my angels are guiding me through this last leg of this journey, no matter what the outcome. 

I like the number 5! I love me a bit of Chanel no5, My birthday is on the 5th day of the 5th month and this will be our 5th transfer over the past 2 years. 

Positive thinking is all I can do.   I have a funeral tomorrow and my little man has an ear infection and I feel like I’m fighting a cold… But I am not giving up, fighting through all this.  I am  ready….I got this … 

Here’s the song I keep hearing! Old school, but I’m loving it 

http://youtu.be/Zzyfcys1aLM
🙏🏻

Different pages?

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Today I feel like I’m hanging in some kind of limbo land.  Life is continuing on around me, I’m keeping my head above water, just.  I can’t stop thinking about what to do next ? who to call for strength? Who to talk to? How the hell do I go through this last FET with any kind of positive attitude when my husband is DONE.  I lost him at the miscarriage last year. 

He was emotionally barely into the process then and the most recent one hardly at all and I know if I go again, I’m totally on my own emotionally.   It’s a tough one.   We are on different pages in life….he’s ready to have his life back or maybe his wife back, as I’m not sure how his life has changed since our IVF son was born 4 years ago, other than I don’t give him enough attn.   I still have half hope that we would have one more child to complete our family.   

Husband wants to travel again and says he’s not that keen on doing the whole baby thing again. He hit me with that news early this year. I assured him things would be different, I would try harder to do things differently and we as a couple will be ok.   I had super high expectations for my mum, friends, inlaws and husband – those expectations were smashed and now I have zero & know what to expect should I be lucky enough to be a mummy agAin.

I think I need to see a cousellor, do some reiki, get my chakras cleansed, do more yoga, ask my angles and fairies and all magical beings to guide me through this next decision.   I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just want this IVF journey over…. I know when I think about it I Do have the strength for one more time & I am fine (I’ll deal) with the outcome no matter what.

Having said that, how do I do this again if my husband isn’t really along for the ride?????  If I don’t go ahead, the resentment might tear us apart? If I do go ahead, selfishly I know I’ve given it my best shot and you can’t ask for more than that.

Ugh that was a lot of fucking crap in my head.  If you made it this far, good job!😜 this blog is purely my way to type out my emotions and get those bad boys outra my head.  Having said that, the support from you girls through all your journeys has been amazing! 

I think typing has helped this morning, though I’m still feeling in limbo land? Half hope, half agony…..

🦄🔮⭐️🌟💫🙏🏻🌺

Nope 😞

FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Gut was right, little embie did not stick and had a level of 15 today, it needs to be at 5 or less to fail but usually higher than 55. Fucking devestated and frustrated and feel stupid and greedy for trying for a second child. 

I have to go in Monday for another b.test to confirm, I know it’s not going to suddenly jump to positive. That’s a 2hour trip just for that and be told again.. Yep it didn’t work. 

I know I’ll be ok, I’ll allow myself time to process and re plan my next step. 

I honestly dont know what to do next..I have one frostie left… Can I do this again? Do i even have the emotional strength To deal with another and final disappointment..that’s technically 4 failed times now. When  is enough … How do I know the right decision … Should I donate my last frostie??? Considering that one is of the least highest quality, the chances of it working are less than the last 3. 

I truly understand the pain of infertility for people without any children at all, I am well aware how lucky I am. I just gotta vent. I’m sad and disappointed… 

Urgh such a Debbie downer post. I’m really not usually so blah… I promise ☺️

Mind games

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

My god this is torture! My gut is still telling me no, it’s day 29, blood test tomorrow… I’ve been an anxious mess and I know the progesterone pessaries are making my symptoms amplified.  

I had a coffee this morning and worked my arse off in front of my computer to keep my brain busy.  

This is the first IVF cycle I’ve done not going to a job….I think I prefer being at a bloody job, as the ease of chilling in the couch to watch reality tv, whilst I feel shit is way tooooo easy. 
I just want to know!!! Up at crows fart (6) for the blood test in the city then keep busy busy busy, till the phone call – eeeeekk 😬😬😬😬😬😬🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Must…keep…. going….

FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Today is cycle day 25. 6DPT . 

Tough start to the day with my gut telling me it’s not worked.  My gut is usually always right.  I knew with my miracle son, I knew when I was pregnant in Oct and I knew when I was not with the other 2 failed frosties.   I am mentally putting up my wall and running through the things I will do to avoid falling to pieces this Friday.

I could be wrong, this time my body might just be reacting differently.  I hope I’m wrong.  But I’ve got the “Period legs”feeling last few days and that’s something I get every now and then. Like really achey legs you feel you need to have them raised. I have the pms feeling of wanting to kill everyone that chews loudly feeling and I have the intense hunger I get just before the bitch arrives. I feel the ovarie twinges like every other month ☹️

I could be wrong… I hope I am🙏🏻  

 
I only have one more chance after this, one more frostie left.  We are out of money having spent probs over 30k so far,  my emotional strength and stamina is nearing the end & I am 39 in May.  

I do thank my lucky stars every single night when I hug my miracle boy b4 bed & realise how incrediblely lucky we were to be successful with him.  

I won’t lie, I am fucking petrified of how I will react if neither of these two frosties make it.  

To some I may seem greedy trying for another child. Many have said “you have one already, be happy with that and realise how lucky you are”. Yep that helps,   Thanks friend  – NOT 

I was like an only child growing up (my bro is 10 years older) and man that was so so lonely. I have always hoped that if I was to have a family, 2 kids would be great. Besties for life.  Keep each other company and have a friendship I always dreamed of. 

Whilst I choose to go solo emotionally through this cycle, it’s times like these where my positive vibe faulters  that I wish I had someone to share these feelings with and get the support back that I need & crave on my off days. Everyone has there own shot to deal within life and their own probs. I can’t expect people who havent gone through this to understand and be able to support me the way I need. 

But I chose to protect my feelings & kind of disappear into my own space this month.  I just can’t deal with others right now. Thank god for my blog and typing it out, otherwise I think my brain would explode 🤕. 

To all who stumble across my ramblings & currently in the IVF journey… I salute you 🙏🏻 must …keep….going….

Butterflies, butterflies everywhere! 

FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So ok it’s 5 days post transfer & I’m looking for signs.  Give me something that tells me it’s worked….I do believe in spiritual stuff and lord knows I’ve experienced my fair share of psychics 🌟🦄🌈🔮 over the years!  

So now I’m focusing my crazy brain that I’m seeing an abnormal amount of butterflies?? I refuse to believe it’s just the season , it’s gotta be a sign right? 

 

Omg this is what this tww does to me, makes me go batshit crazy.  

On my very first successful IVF transfer which resulted in my miracle boy, I saw fairies! Not the tinkerbell kind, these kind… 

  

I had no idea these came from a dandelion seed, thanks google! 

Here’s to seeing lots of butterflies today ⭐️