So now what…

Ok so It’s taken me a while to get back to blogging about my IVF journey. Warning.. This is purely a mental long rant to help with my therapy. 

So first comes major denial, no tears, just numb, then angry, then overwhelming sadness consumes me most days….but I find my strength from somefuckingwhere and power through. I need to be there for my miracle man, husband and animals. 

Things need to be done, work needs to be completed, I have deadlines to meet – my business is booming & that helps & is great… But I’m struggling majority of the time to let go of the needy maternal feeling of wanting a little sibling for my son.

Seeing beautiful preggo woman pangs me in the guts, a friend just had her baby, I really want to be there for her more, but I can’t, I see the way my son plays alone and feel so sad I couldn’t provide him with a lifelong friend. I hope one day he understands why & I will ensure he is never lonely. 

I think hubby has been so busy with work he’s ok… I don’t know, he doesn’t say much?? I’m not ok and still need time to grieve.

I am drinking a bit more at night, that’s got to stop. Started boxing and ramping up yoga a bit to help. 

I admit I had trouble for a while reading the blogs from all you wonderfully supportive people because it hurt seeing the preggo announcements, cycle phases knowing I would never do it again & it really hurt reading how sad you guys were with the BFN .  I’m getting stronger and able to read them again and hopefully able to provide supportive comments moving forward. 

I have been thinking about and doing IVF since 2011 and my god I won’t lie, it’s nice to not have to think about needles, what cycle day it is (though I still do), scheduling stupid pointless doctors visits, worry about upcoming events and which ones I may need to get out of, the rollercoaster of the TWw, finding the money and emotional strength for another round – all up we have spent $45k on this journey!!! Anyway the fucking ginourmas list goes on.

I totally know I need to focus on the now, how unbelievably lucky I am and make the most of every minute with my little man. 

I need to set little goals and look forward to possibly celebrating my 40th in Vegas next year? (I’m from Oz, so massive trip) …. But it also fucking hurts that I have reached the end of my journey.  I’m a bit in limbo, pretty sure I need time to grieve for my miscarriage last year and the further two frosties that didn’t make it.. Did I do everything I possibly could to make it work…probably not.who knows??  not going to beat myself up about that. 

So now what … universe come at me & show me what ya got! 

Different pages?

Today I feel like I’m hanging in some kind of limbo land.  Life is continuing on around me, I’m keeping my head above water, just.  I can’t stop thinking about what to do next ? who to call for strength? Who to talk to? How the hell do I go through this last FET with any kind of positive attitude when my husband is DONE.  I lost him at the miscarriage last year. 

He was emotionally barely into the process then and the most recent one hardly at all and I know if I go again, I’m totally on my own emotionally.   It’s a tough one.   We are on different pages in life….he’s ready to have his life back or maybe his wife back, as I’m not sure how his life has changed since our IVF son was born 4 years ago, other than I don’t give him enough attn.   I still have half hope that we would have one more child to complete our family.   

Husband wants to travel again and says he’s not that keen on doing the whole baby thing again. He hit me with that news early this year. I assured him things would be different, I would try harder to do things differently and we as a couple will be ok.   I had super high expectations for my mum, friends, inlaws and husband – those expectations were smashed and now I have zero & know what to expect should I be lucky enough to be a mummy agAin.

I think I need to see a cousellor, do some reiki, get my chakras cleansed, do more yoga, ask my angles and fairies and all magical beings to guide me through this next decision.   I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just want this IVF journey over…. I know when I think about it I Do have the strength for one more time & I am fine (I’ll deal) with the outcome no matter what.

Having said that, how do I do this again if my husband isn’t really along for the ride?????  If I don’t go ahead, the resentment might tear us apart? If I do go ahead, selfishly I know I’ve given it my best shot and you can’t ask for more than that.

Ugh that was a lot of fucking crap in my head.  If you made it this far, good job!😜 this blog is purely my way to type out my emotions and get those bad boys outra my head.  Having said that, the support from you girls through all your journeys has been amazing! 

I think typing has helped this morning, though I’m still feeling in limbo land? Half hope, half agony…..

🦄🔮⭐️🌟💫🙏🏻🌺

Mind games

My god this is torture! My gut is still telling me no, it’s day 29, blood test tomorrow… I’ve been an anxious mess and I know the progesterone pessaries are making my symptoms amplified.  

I had a coffee this morning and worked my arse off in front of my computer to keep my brain busy.  

This is the first IVF cycle I’ve done not going to a job….I think I prefer being at a bloody job, as the ease of chilling in the couch to watch reality tv, whilst I feel shit is way tooooo easy. 
I just want to know!!! Up at crows fart (6) for the blood test in the city then keep busy busy busy, till the phone call – eeeeekk 😬😬😬😬😬😬🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

The quentessential pose

So this is it girls, the pose we need after doing our transfers….

 

That’s not me ! (Thank you google for the image) . I did it last night and it felt great.  There’s also this one which helps….

  

I also did my relaxation with my legs in the air 😜 hey whatever works right!!

I have this chance and one more to create a little family member and a sibling for my miracle boy…I gotta piss of the negative thoughts and keep thinking positively and trying things that work for me and keep me & my crazy brain calm. 

It’s only Wednessay! I still have till next Friday 18th…. I haven’t let down my guard get, woohoo feeling strong, still PUPO And feeling positive. I hope this lasts 🙏🏻

Strength, love and hugs to anyone who stumbles across my blog ramblings and is going through the infertility, IVF journey. You are all amazing strong women  xxx 

Dissapointed with the new plan

Well the last few days have been a super huge roller coaster of emotions thats for sure.  

Super early follie scans and blood tests before work over the past few days have been intense and unfortunately this afternoon the nurses called to advise that even though I had a couple of follies at 18mm (they need 3, but were confident one more would grow) my progesterone level was too high, so if they are able to get any embies out of Tuesdays collection, they will need to be frozen and I have to wait one to two cycles before doing a Frozen Transfer as they want drugs completely out of my system.

Sooooo dissapointed !!  now need to get my head around this new plan.  I feel like maybe this is not meant to be and I am just pushing fate?  I should stop with my son and be grateful as people have said.  I know how lucky I am to have IVF work with him, but it doesnt stop me wanting to add to our family and give him a sibling/bestie for life.   

I have zero support right now, I have never felt so alone that what I feel right now and wish it was different….I know I need to suck it up though and enjoy the time with my son,  I dont want to waste that time feeling sorry for myself.

God what a whingy post! Oh well you were warned, my blog is pure therapy and typing it out is the only way to get this shit out my head. 😁

Tomorrow is a new day, the trigger injection is required at 10pm, I  can barely stay up past 8:30pm!  It looks so bloody complicated, i have 3-4 viles to mix and jab. God i hope i get it right!  

Serenity now!

Soooooo I am getting a little nervous, feeling like this is such a huge week ahead for me and I am flying pretty solo.

My own fault, don’t reach out, don’t particularly want to. Thinking maybe I am pretty comfortable in my ivf cycle #4 bubble .

Mum sent me a beautiful random gift to my house yesterday, was a beautiful tea set.  Very cool to get w surprise prezzy and know she is thinking of me jabbing away each day.

Honestly everyone has so much going on in their own lives which makes them unable to give the support I sometimes crave.  That’s where I thought typing it out in my blog and following everyone else’s journey would help me and it has!!

Tomorrow morn I have to get into the city before work at crows fart and have my ultrasound and blood test to check if I have a minimum 3-4 follies at 18mm.   Or at least look like I’m progressing well for egg collection maybe sun or morn!!! I’ll be honest I can’t wait to be knocked out for a solid sleep😜.

Hubby has the man flu and back injury so unable to be there for me right now.  Which sux a bit, I don’t have enough energy to look after him and a toddler. Just ain’t gunna happen.

Yoga has been getting me through this and has been my saviour. Here’s hoping the yoga glow can last for a few  more days!

Namaste 🙏🏻

Overwhelming much?

Today is day 1, well technically in cycle terms its day 2, but to me in my head – its day 1.  The beginning of a yet another massive emotional roller coaster month.  I have just picked up my needles/drugs and dropped my ball of strength somewhere along the way.  Not sure what the hell happened there.

I am suddenly overwhelmed and felt for sure I was doing ok, I was ready for this.  The instructions for all the drugs, going through the days of what I do when with my nurse (thinking in my head, I need to design a calendar to help me and my hubby visually understand what is coming up and project manage this like I do everything else), picking up the drugs and then heading home.  During all this I am taking longer than I thought I would be and hubby will be freaking out and needing to get to work!

I loose my strength and have a ball in the car.  Not like me, but well needed and fuck it, I can do this. Time to pick myself back up get home and start jabbing.

I empty out the bag of goodies on the kitchen table and wonder where the hell do I start and I don’t remember a bloody thing the nurse told me, there is so much stuff!!! What if I stuff it up, put the wrong needle in the wrong day, screw up the dosage? or shit, I had a cold and flu tablet this morning cause I am still sick – is that wrong, I had a coffee, should I have done that????

After about 10 mins of fumbling around I sit down in the kitchen while my little man plays in the lounge, totally oblivious to what I am doing.   I try and ring hubby to get some moral support, he doesnt answer…damn it I have to do this alone.

So with shaky hands grab my flabby guts and go to jab it, I try but my hands are shaking so bloody much I miss it and need to re insert needle.  I am stronger than this, not such a big deal, gotta beat the silly thoughts, grab the strength within and give it another go, which I do. Stings like shit and I am done.  Feels good to be done and i can do the rest no worries.

Feeling a bit sick now… will go rest while little man sleeps… heres hoping its a nice long one today as I need to “type it out”.

What people say…

Sometimes I hate opening up to people who ask, I crave the support often, but then I cave and open up to someone who might not understand or who gives me less than I needed at the time. God it’s like no matter what you do or say, sometimes you don’t know what you want!

The truth is nobody knows what you are feeling and going through right now, other than someone who has been through it.

Some say “don’t worry, it’s ok,  just be happy with what you have already with your son” is hard to hear and I have said it to another person trying once to conceive naturally (even after I did IVF initially – I should’ve known this wouldn’t cut it as comforting words) and this reminds me I must apologise for saying it.

Whilst It is by no means wrong and I appreciate the thought…it makes me feel guilty for wanting another child, like I should be happy with what little miracle I have and not be greedy.

There are others out there who say nothing or who pretend to give a shit and others that are amazing and I know I can talk to them always and who check in on me. You rock and I appreciate those people heaps.  It’s nobodies fault – why should anyone know how to act.  Nothing anyone says is wrong! But Unless you have been through this, nobody can possibly understand how I am feeling.  I guess you just end up talking to the people that give you support and who you know will be there for you no matter what.

ivf keyboard therapy…time to type it out

My journey so far…

Ok..so where do I begin? This brutally honest blog is intended to provide me with some therapy while I go through my fourth round of IVF.

After years of trying, prodding, probing, chlomid, laprosectomy and golfballing,  I was finally told we had unexplained infertility.  After a few years of trying we were successful with a first attempt at a fresh transfer and in 2012 we had a beautiful boy that I am enternally grateful for.

Earlier this year I used my last two frosties and one by one attempted two more rounds. Unfortunately without success.  I am going through IVF again in the hope to give my little man a sibling, a mate, a best friend for life. I guess I feel like it will complete our little family and this path is what I am supposed to do.

There are a million people out there with way more going on in their lives right now than I do and I am also aware that I am extremely fortunate to have a child through IVF when other woman are not so lucky.  I feel so much for couples going through their journeys, their own destiny’s where they cannot understand “Why the Fuck is this not working!!.

This blog is all about me! for once I am being selfish and spending time on my little macbook to get my feelings out instead of holding them in as I have done in the past.  Screw the chores and the work I am supposed to be doing!  The only way I can get through this emotional roller coaster is to type it out! Hence the name of my blog “ivfkeyboardtherapy”.

I hope that in someway one or two people out there might like to also read my story and relate or feel free to share their stories as a way of therapy. No judgement here, just a place to vent with others who are or have been in the same boat.