Lucky #5 

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So I have been a little MIA of late. Getting my head right and organised for our last ever FET ON Wed 6/4 😁😁😁😁🙏🏻

I had my last ever ovulation blood test on Sat morn and completely lost it driving home, I was a blubbering mess.  Certain songs just set me off then I was done. It was like I had an overwhelming sense of relief that I never have to have another ovulation test and after these next two weeks, never have to deal with IVF ever again.  We are emotionally and financially done, done, done!!! 

I ovulated day 12 of cycle which is earlier than usual! Got a chakra cleanse on Thursday and hopefully get some magic potion to make this little frostie stick ☺️ just want to know my angels are guiding me through this last leg of this journey, no matter what the outcome. 

I like the number 5! I love me a bit of Chanel no5, My birthday is on the 5th day of the 5th month and this will be our 5th transfer over the past 2 years. 

Positive thinking is all I can do.   I have a funeral tomorrow and my little man has an ear infection and I feel like I’m fighting a cold… But I am not giving up, fighting through all this.  I am  ready….I got this … 

Here’s the song I keep hearing! Old school, but I’m loving it 

http://youtu.be/Zzyfcys1aLM
🙏🏻

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And we wait….🙏🏻

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Well it’s over 🙏🏻  

The two week wait begins and hopefully I can keep busy enough to forget about the pending all important jab.

I am feeling relieved, a little crampy and tired from being anxious about the day.  

Today’s a day off work and life, relaxing on the couch watching reality TV.  

God I hope this works🦄

Time for a breather 

assisted conception, ivf, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So I am now finished with all the needles, all the tests and the emotional crap – well for next cycle anyway. 

I had my egg collection this week, bit  emotional and sore after,  but have come good now. Just hugely bloated and keen to get healthy. 
Fantastic result with 11 eggs collected and 6 frosties !!! Those little frozen miracles have made it to day 3 and we are continuing to day 5 and pray that they make it. 

My physchic tells me I’ll have more than enough and be preggo & will be in Oct/Nov! So I am holding onto that to keep the strength up to continue.  Whatever works really. She also said I’ll know the minute  it works and gave me some amazing details of morning sickness and so on…. Fuck I can’t wait to feel morning sickness😉. 

My life needs to calm down a bit and I need to do a shit load of yoga to get this body ready for transfer hopefully early Oct.  I have made a  decision about my career, which my husband now backs me on and I feel excited about the future!

Talk about a roller coaster over the past couple of months…lots of waiting and emotions, I won’t lie – I’m exhausted.  But moving in a positive direction..thank goodness. 

Serenity now!

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Soooooo I am getting a little nervous, feeling like this is such a huge week ahead for me and I am flying pretty solo.

My own fault, don’t reach out, don’t particularly want to. Thinking maybe I am pretty comfortable in my ivf cycle #4 bubble .

Mum sent me a beautiful random gift to my house yesterday, was a beautiful tea set.  Very cool to get w surprise prezzy and know she is thinking of me jabbing away each day.

Honestly everyone has so much going on in their own lives which makes them unable to give the support I sometimes crave.  That’s where I thought typing it out in my blog and following everyone else’s journey would help me and it has!!

Tomorrow morn I have to get into the city before work at crows fart and have my ultrasound and blood test to check if I have a minimum 3-4 follies at 18mm.   Or at least look like I’m progressing well for egg collection maybe sun or morn!!! I’ll be honest I can’t wait to be knocked out for a solid sleep😜.

Hubby has the man flu and back injury so unable to be there for me right now.  Which sux a bit, I don’t have enough energy to look after him and a toddler. Just ain’t gunna happen.

Yoga has been getting me through this and has been my saviour. Here’s hoping the yoga glow can last for a few  more days!

Namaste 🙏🏻

Grumpy day x 100 

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Good lord I was grumpy yesterday! I couldnt even bring myself to type it out.  Silly drugs fucked with my brain and allthough the funny feeling in my guts was gone, the overwhelming anger was insane I even scared myself.
My poor folks copped it, my hubby and my beautiful son. I feel better today thank god.  This new fabulous doc has put me on different meds this time round, I’ve only had one jab so far and start on monday the next batch before EPU.  Last stim cycle I felt fantastic through the meds until the dreaded 2ww hit. Then I was lucky enough to have a BFP.  That keeps me going through this cycle….new doc, new meds and new attitude. Lucky #4.

I have a wedding to go to tonight where I have to pretend to be someone I am not right now.  I would so much rather hide in my bubble over this month and really not deal with anyone at all. I just am so mentally consumed by this process. I feel like I dont have room for anyone who has no idea what I am going through.   Not that anyone has bothered to check in anyway…. Oh oh i’m getting cranky again..ok woman – snap out of it and enjoy the day!   Yes I occaisionally I talk to myself too 😝

Hug a stranger . . .

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Today I hugged a stranger…felt good. I should do it more often.

We ended up in the lift together on our way down, our journeys meeting for this fleeting moment where we kinda needed each other.  Me to give her strength and her to give me strength I guess?

She noticed my bag of goodies and noted what I had and how she feels when she sees the bag, I responded with my usual vocabulary with “Yeah its a fucking nightmare isn’t it?”.

As I go to leave she holds the doors open to ask about my journey so far and has the watery look in her eyes that I know only too well.  She has just had the pregnancy test and notes how it’s going to be a long day, it’s her first cycle and she has no idea if she is up the duff or not.

I told her to keep busy as much as possible today, to be strong but not too strong that you hold it in too much and I wished her so much luck.  I tried to hard not to cry when i spoke to her as she needed my strength and as I gave her my advice, she looked at me for hope, especially after I said that I had a successful first round of IVF and it is definitely possible that she could be pregnant. God I hope she is…

Overwhelming much?

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Today is day 1, well technically in cycle terms its day 2, but to me in my head – its day 1.  The beginning of a yet another massive emotional roller coaster month.  I have just picked up my needles/drugs and dropped my ball of strength somewhere along the way.  Not sure what the hell happened there.

I am suddenly overwhelmed and felt for sure I was doing ok, I was ready for this.  The instructions for all the drugs, going through the days of what I do when with my nurse (thinking in my head, I need to design a calendar to help me and my hubby visually understand what is coming up and project manage this like I do everything else), picking up the drugs and then heading home.  During all this I am taking longer than I thought I would be and hubby will be freaking out and needing to get to work!

I loose my strength and have a ball in the car.  Not like me, but well needed and fuck it, I can do this. Time to pick myself back up get home and start jabbing.

I empty out the bag of goodies on the kitchen table and wonder where the hell do I start and I don’t remember a bloody thing the nurse told me, there is so much stuff!!! What if I stuff it up, put the wrong needle in the wrong day, screw up the dosage? or shit, I had a cold and flu tablet this morning cause I am still sick – is that wrong, I had a coffee, should I have done that????

After about 10 mins of fumbling around I sit down in the kitchen while my little man plays in the lounge, totally oblivious to what I am doing.   I try and ring hubby to get some moral support, he doesnt answer…damn it I have to do this alone.

So with shaky hands grab my flabby guts and go to jab it, I try but my hands are shaking so bloody much I miss it and need to re insert needle.  I am stronger than this, not such a big deal, gotta beat the silly thoughts, grab the strength within and give it another go, which I do. Stings like shit and I am done.  Feels good to be done and i can do the rest no worries.

Feeling a bit sick now… will go rest while little man sleeps… heres hoping its a nice long one today as I need to “type it out”.

What people say…

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

Sometimes I hate opening up to people who ask, I crave the support often, but then I cave and open up to someone who might not understand or who gives me less than I needed at the time. God it’s like no matter what you do or say, sometimes you don’t know what you want!

The truth is nobody knows what you are feeling and going through right now, other than someone who has been through it.

Some say “don’t worry, it’s ok,  just be happy with what you have already with your son” is hard to hear and I have said it to another person trying once to conceive naturally (even after I did IVF initially – I should’ve known this wouldn’t cut it as comforting words) and this reminds me I must apologise for saying it.

Whilst It is by no means wrong and I appreciate the thought…it makes me feel guilty for wanting another child, like I should be happy with what little miracle I have and not be greedy.

There are others out there who say nothing or who pretend to give a shit and others that are amazing and I know I can talk to them always and who check in on me. You rock and I appreciate those people heaps.  It’s nobodies fault – why should anyone know how to act.  Nothing anyone says is wrong! But Unless you have been through this, nobody can possibly understand how I am feeling.  I guess you just end up talking to the people that give you support and who you know will be there for you no matter what.

ivf keyboard therapy…time to type it out

assisted conception, ivf, unexplained infertility

My journey so far…

Ok..so where do I begin? This brutally honest blog is intended to provide me with some therapy while I go through my fourth round of IVF.

After years of trying, prodding, probing, chlomid, laprosectomy and golfballing,  I was finally told we had unexplained infertility.  After a few years of trying we were successful with a first attempt at a fresh transfer and in 2012 we had a beautiful boy that I am enternally grateful for.

Earlier this year I used my last two frosties and one by one attempted two more rounds. Unfortunately without success.  I am going through IVF again in the hope to give my little man a sibling, a mate, a best friend for life. I guess I feel like it will complete our little family and this path is what I am supposed to do.

There are a million people out there with way more going on in their lives right now than I do and I am also aware that I am extremely fortunate to have a child through IVF when other woman are not so lucky.  I feel so much for couples going through their journeys, their own destiny’s where they cannot understand “Why the Fuck is this not working!!.

This blog is all about me! for once I am being selfish and spending time on my little macbook to get my feelings out instead of holding them in as I have done in the past.  Screw the chores and the work I am supposed to be doing!  The only way I can get through this emotional roller coaster is to type it out! Hence the name of my blog “ivfkeyboardtherapy”.

I hope that in someway one or two people out there might like to also read my story and relate or feel free to share their stories as a way of therapy. No judgement here, just a place to vent with others who are or have been in the same boat.