Mind games

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

My god this is torture! My gut is still telling me no, it’s day 29, blood test tomorrow… I’ve been an anxious mess and I know the progesterone pessaries are making my symptoms amplified.  

I had a coffee this morning and worked my arse off in front of my computer to keep my brain busy.  

This is the first IVF cycle I’ve done not going to a job….I think I prefer being at a bloody job, as the ease of chilling in the couch to watch reality tv, whilst I feel shit is way tooooo easy. 
I just want to know!!! Up at crows fart (6) for the blood test in the city then keep busy busy busy, till the phone call – eeeeekk ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

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Thank Youย 

ivf

So here’s a mental recap…..

Day 27: 8 Days since my #5th transfer.  I’ve had two pregnancies, one resulting in my beautiful nearly 4 y/o, 1 MC in Nov at 9 wks and I am on a quest to have one more miracle baby to complete my family.  This Fri 18/3 I have my blood test to confirm or deny.  Should this one not work I have one chance left & then we are done.   

I am nervous and excited and scared and angry and confused and drained all at once.  But…..One thing for sure that’s getting me through this two week wait has been the amazing beautiful girls I have encountered since writing & reading other blogs relating to IVF struggles and infertility. 

The beautiful messages I woke up to this morning will get me through today! So Thank You fellow blogging IVF / TTC / Unexplained infertility sista’s !!! ๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน you guys are amazingly strong through all your individual journeys no matter how long or short (even though at times you don’t feel it โ˜บ๏ธ I promise you are). Your positive vibes and thoughts and prayers are awesome and I seriously appreciate every single word.  So Thank You!!! Xxx๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐ŸŒŸ

Must…keep…. going….

FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Today is cycle day 25. 6DPT . 

Tough start to the day with my gut telling me it’s not worked.  My gut is usually always right.  I knew with my miracle son, I knew when I was pregnant in Oct and I knew when I was not with the other 2 failed frosties.   I am mentally putting up my wall and running through the things I will do to avoid falling to pieces this Friday.

I could be wrong, this time my body might just be reacting differently.  I hope I’m wrong.  But I’ve got the “Period legs”feeling last few days and that’s something I get every now and then. Like really achey legs you feel you need to have them raised. I have the pms feeling of wanting to kill everyone that chews loudly feeling and I have the intense hunger I get just before the bitch arrives. I feel the ovarie twinges like every other month โ˜น๏ธ

I could be wrong… I hope I am๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป  

 
I only have one more chance after this, one more frostie left.  We are out of money having spent probs over 30k so far,  my emotional strength and stamina is nearing the end & I am 39 in May.  

I do thank my lucky stars every single night when I hug my miracle boy b4 bed & realise how incrediblely lucky we were to be successful with him.  

I won’t lie, I am fucking petrified of how I will react if neither of these two frosties make it.  

To some I may seem greedy trying for another child. Many have said “you have one already, be happy with that and realise how lucky you are”. Yep that helps,   Thanks friend  – NOT 

I was like an only child growing up (my bro is 10 years older) and man that was so so lonely. I have always hoped that if I was to have a family, 2 kids would be great. Besties for life.  Keep each other company and have a friendship I always dreamed of. 

Whilst I choose to go solo emotionally through this cycle, it’s times like these where my positive vibe faulters  that I wish I had someone to share these feelings with and get the support back that I need & crave on my off days. Everyone has there own shot to deal within life and their own probs. I can’t expect people who havent gone through this to understand and be able to support me the way I need. 

But I chose to protect my feelings & kind of disappear into my own space this month.  I just can’t deal with others right now. Thank god for my blog and typing it out, otherwise I think my brain would explode ๐Ÿค•. 

To all who stumble across my ramblings & currently in the IVF journey… I salute you ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป must …keep….going….

Butterflies, butterflies everywhere!ย 

FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So ok it’s 5 days post transfer & I’m looking for signs.  Give me something that tells me it’s worked….I do believe in spiritual stuff and lord knows I’ve experienced my fair share of psychics ๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿฆ„๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ”ฎ over the years!  

So now I’m focusing my crazy brain that I’m seeing an abnormal amount of butterflies?? I refuse to believe it’s just the season , it’s gotta be a sign right? 

 

Omg this is what this tww does to me, makes me go batshit crazy.  

On my very first successful IVF transfer which resulted in my miracle boy, I saw fairies! Not the tinkerbell kind, these kind… 

  

I had no idea these came from a dandelion seed, thanks google! 

Here’s to seeing lots of butterflies today โญ๏ธ

The quentessential pose

FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So this is it girls, the pose we need after doing our transfers….

 

That’s not me ! (Thank you google for the image) . I did it last night and it felt great.  There’s also this one which helps….

  

I also did my relaxation with my legs in the air ๐Ÿ˜œ hey whatever works right!!

I have this chance and one more to create a little family member and a sibling for my miracle boy…I gotta piss of the negative thoughts and keep thinking positively and trying things that work for me and keep me & my crazy brain calm. 

It’s only Wednessay! I still have till next Friday 18th…. I haven’t let down my guard get, woohoo feeling strong, still PUPO And feeling positive. I hope this lasts ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

Strength, love and hugs to anyone who stumbles across my blog ramblings and is going through the infertility, IVF journey. You are all amazing strong women  xxx 

Tick Tockย 

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

As I sit here at this classy establishment that Is McDonalds, I ponder how the hell am I going to survive till the morning of 18th of March????? 

My little Petrie dish Miracle 3 year old is playing and I have been watching him and really feeling like wow I am so god damn lucky.

 Every night when I hug him before bed,   I do stop and realize how bloody lucky we are. 

So completely out of the blue whilst munching on nuggets at 10:30 this morn, he asks me why I don’t want a baby?? What happened to my baby and what size is it????all at once!!!  Omfg where did that come from? He was involved in me being preggo in Oct/Nov and I kind of just glossed over it when he asked where my baby was… He is so intuitive it’s crazy. I love that about him. I’m spiritual myself so it warms my heart he taps into my thoughts all the time.

Anyway I’m digressing …. I feel a bit sick (not from the maccas wrap) bit like that your pregnant sick.  I know my body so well it’s scary…I know when I surge – ovulate – period – pregnant … But so scared to hope that could this be it this cycle ?? Could I dare to hope. 

It’s early days I know…frostie was only put In yesterday , this is crazy. I’m sure it’s the delightful bullets I have to insert every night, the side effects… Technically I am PUPO so you know what, I am actually going to dare to dream. It can’t hurt right? 

I’m off to yoga now with my little man, I think thats a crazy idea but it’s worth a shot.  I need every bit of yoga I can get right now. It helps me focus and stay calm.  Wish me luck at this new class with toddlers haha๐Ÿ˜

Hugs and strength to you all, whatever your journey may be xx 

And we wait….๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Well it’s over ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป  

The two week wait begins and hopefully I can keep busy enough to forget about the pending all important jab.

I am feeling relieved, a little crampy and tired from being anxious about the day.  

Today’s a day off work and life, relaxing on the couch watching reality TV.  

God I hope this works๐Ÿฆ„

Time for the Vag clamps

assisted conception, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So it’s been a while! A lot has happened over the last few months since my last post.  I had a successful 5 day blast frostie popped in and got pregnant on 20/10/2015!!  Yay…. Then I lost my baby at 9 weeks. 

Fair to say, my hubby and I were completed gutted and shocked as we were not expecting to hear that news. 

As we patiently waited in the doctors waiting room reading baby magazines, pondering the future and allowing ourselves to be excited … We were then completely floored to hear that our baby had died that morning inutero.  Fucking devastated. 

Since then I have pulled myself out of a sorry arse rut and used excercise and food to heal.  It’s worked mainly..I’m still pretty scarred to be honest. 

I am about to embark on another Frozen embreyo transfer this morning,  I have such a multitude of feelings I can’t keep up. I have only two frosties remaining and I am not sure how I can be as positive as I should be?? How do you do it?? 

I have only told my folks we are doing this today, flying this one solo…as I have said before the less you give to people the less you get hurt by the lack of compassion and support. Not their fault, they just have zero idea what you are going through. 

On our travels into the big smoke to get my clamps on and have a giant needle type apparatus in my lady bits for the fourth time on this quest, cycle #5… we are listening to completely inappropriate Eminem songs, whilst my husband picks his nails fucking loudly and the insane traffic ahead is killing me…. Time for the Bach remedy and yoga breathing…just breath old girl โ˜บ๏ธ we can do this!! 

Time for a breatherย 

assisted conception, ivf, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So I am now finished with all the needles, all the tests and the emotional crap – well for next cycle anyway. 

I had my egg collection this week, bit  emotional and sore after,  but have come good now. Just hugely bloated and keen to get healthy. 
Fantastic result with 11 eggs collected and 6 frosties !!! Those little frozen miracles have made it to day 3 and we are continuing to day 5 and pray that they make it. 

My physchic tells me I’ll have more than enough and be preggo & will be in Oct/Nov! So I am holding onto that to keep the strength up to continue.  Whatever works really. She also said I’ll know the minute  it works and gave me some amazing details of morning sickness and so on…. Fuck I can’t wait to feel morning sickness๐Ÿ˜‰. 

My life needs to calm down a bit and I need to do a shit load of yoga to get this body ready for transfer hopefully early Oct.  I have made a  decision about my career, which my husband now backs me on and I feel excited about the future!

Talk about a roller coaster over the past couple of months…lots of waiting and emotions, I won’t lie – I’m exhausted.  But moving in a positive direction..thank goodness. 

Dissapointed with the new plan

assisted conception, ivf, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Well the last few days have been a super huge roller coaster of emotions thats for sure.  

Super early follie scans and blood tests before work over the past few days have been intense and unfortunately this afternoon the nurses called to advise that even though I had a couple of follies at 18mm (they need 3, but were confident one more would grow) my progesterone level was too high, so if they are able to get any embies out of Tuesdays collection, they will need to be frozen and I have to wait one to two cycles before doing a Frozen Transfer as they want drugs completely out of my system.

Sooooo dissapointed !!  now need to get my head around this new plan.  I feel like maybe this is not meant to be and I am just pushing fate?  I should stop with my son and be grateful as people have said.  I know how lucky I am to have IVF work with him, but it doesnt stop me wanting to add to our family and give him a sibling/bestie for life.   

I have zero support right now, I have never felt so alone that what I feel right now and wish it was different….I know I need to suck it up though and enjoy the time with my son,  I dont want to waste that time feeling sorry for myself.

God what a whingy post! Oh well you were warned, my blog is pure therapy and typing it out is the only way to get this shit out my head. ๐Ÿ˜

Tomorrow is a new day, the trigger injection is required at 10pm, I  can barely stay up past 8:30pm!  It looks so bloody complicated, i have 3-4 viles to mix and jab. God i hope i get it right!