Different pages?

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Today I feel like I’m hanging in some kind of limbo land.  Life is continuing on around me, I’m keeping my head above water, just.  I can’t stop thinking about what to do next ? who to call for strength? Who to talk to? How the hell do I go through this last FET with any kind of positive attitude when my husband is DONE.  I lost him at the miscarriage last year. 

He was emotionally barely into the process then and the most recent one hardly at all and I know if I go again, I’m totally on my own emotionally.   It’s a tough one.   We are on different pages in life….he’s ready to have his life back or maybe his wife back, as I’m not sure how his life has changed since our IVF son was born 4 years ago, other than I don’t give him enough attn.   I still have half hope that we would have one more child to complete our family.   

Husband wants to travel again and says he’s not that keen on doing the whole baby thing again. He hit me with that news early this year. I assured him things would be different, I would try harder to do things differently and we as a couple will be ok.   I had super high expectations for my mum, friends, inlaws and husband – those expectations were smashed and now I have zero & know what to expect should I be lucky enough to be a mummy agAin.

I think I need to see a cousellor, do some reiki, get my chakras cleansed, do more yoga, ask my angles and fairies and all magical beings to guide me through this next decision.   I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just want this IVF journey over…. I know when I think about it I Do have the strength for one more time & I am fine (I’ll deal) with the outcome no matter what.

Having said that, how do I do this again if my husband isn’t really along for the ride?????  If I don’t go ahead, the resentment might tear us apart? If I do go ahead, selfishly I know I’ve given it my best shot and you can’t ask for more than that.

Ugh that was a lot of fucking crap in my head.  If you made it this far, good job!😜 this blog is purely my way to type out my emotions and get those bad boys outra my head.  Having said that, the support from you girls through all your journeys has been amazing! 

I think typing has helped this morning, though I’m still feeling in limbo land? Half hope, half agony…..


Time for the Vag clamps

assisted conception, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So it’s been a while! A lot has happened over the last few months since my last post.  I had a successful 5 day blast frostie popped in and got pregnant on 20/10/2015!!  Yay…. Then I lost my baby at 9 weeks. 

Fair to say, my hubby and I were completed gutted and shocked as we were not expecting to hear that news. 

As we patiently waited in the doctors waiting room reading baby magazines, pondering the future and allowing ourselves to be excited … We were then completely floored to hear that our baby had died that morning inutero.  Fucking devastated. 

Since then I have pulled myself out of a sorry arse rut and used excercise and food to heal.  It’s worked mainly..I’m still pretty scarred to be honest. 

I am about to embark on another Frozen embreyo transfer this morning,  I have such a multitude of feelings I can’t keep up. I have only two frosties remaining and I am not sure how I can be as positive as I should be?? How do you do it?? 

I have only told my folks we are doing this today, flying this one solo…as I have said before the less you give to people the less you get hurt by the lack of compassion and support. Not their fault, they just have zero idea what you are going through. 

On our travels into the big smoke to get my clamps on and have a giant needle type apparatus in my lady bits for the fourth time on this quest, cycle #5… we are listening to completely inappropriate Eminem songs, whilst my husband picks his nails fucking loudly and the insane traffic ahead is killing me…. Time for the Bach remedy and yoga breathing…just breath old girl ☺️ we can do this!!