Ok so It’s taken me a while to get back to blogging about my IVF journey. Warning.. This is purely a mental long rant to help with my therapy.
So first comes major denial, no tears, just numb, then angry, then overwhelming sadness consumes me most days….but I find my strength from somefuckingwhere and power through. I need to be there for my miracle man, husband and animals.
Things need to be done, work needs to be completed, I have deadlines to meet – my business is booming & that helps & is great… But I’m struggling majority of the time to let go of the needy maternal feeling of wanting a little sibling for my son.
Seeing beautiful preggo woman pangs me in the guts, a friend just had her baby, I really want to be there for her more, but I can’t, I see the way my son plays alone and feel so sad I couldn’t provide him with a lifelong friend. I hope one day he understands why & I will ensure he is never lonely.
I think hubby has been so busy with work he’s ok… I don’t know, he doesn’t say much?? I’m not ok and still need time to grieve.
I am drinking a bit more at night, that’s got to stop. Started boxing and ramping up yoga a bit to help.
I admit I had trouble for a while reading the blogs from all you wonderfully supportive people because it hurt seeing the preggo announcements, cycle phases knowing I would never do it again & it really hurt reading how sad you guys were with the BFN . I’m getting stronger and able to read them again and hopefully able to provide supportive comments moving forward.
I have been thinking about and doing IVF since 2011 and my god I won’t lie, it’s nice to not have to think about needles, what cycle day it is (though I still do), scheduling stupid pointless doctors visits, worry about upcoming events and which ones I may need to get out of, the rollercoaster of the TWw, finding the money and emotional strength for another round – all up we have spent $45k on this journey!!! Anyway the fucking ginourmas list goes on.
I totally know I need to focus on the now, how unbelievably lucky I am and make the most of every minute with my little man.
I need to set little goals and look forward to possibly celebrating my 40th in Vegas next year? (I’m from Oz, so massive trip) …. But it also fucking hurts that I have reached the end of my journey. I’m a bit in limbo, pretty sure I need time to grieve for my miscarriage last year and the further two frosties that didn’t make it.. Did I do everything I possibly could to make it work…probably not.who knows?? not going to beat myself up about that.
So now what … universe come at me & show me what ya got!