So now what…

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Ok so It’s taken me a while to get back to blogging about my IVF journey. Warning.. This is purely a mental long rant to help with my therapy. 

So first comes major denial, no tears, just numb, then angry, then overwhelming sadness consumes me most days….but I find my strength from somefuckingwhere and power through. I need to be there for my miracle man, husband and animals. 

Things need to be done, work needs to be completed, I have deadlines to meet – my business is booming & that helps & is great… But I’m struggling majority of the time to let go of the needy maternal feeling of wanting a little sibling for my son.

Seeing beautiful preggo woman pangs me in the guts, a friend just had her baby, I really want to be there for her more, but I can’t, I see the way my son plays alone and feel so sad I couldn’t provide him with a lifelong friend. I hope one day he understands why & I will ensure he is never lonely. 

I think hubby has been so busy with work he’s ok… I don’t know, he doesn’t say much?? I’m not ok and still need time to grieve.

I am drinking a bit more at night, that’s got to stop. Started boxing and ramping up yoga a bit to help. 

I admit I had trouble for a while reading the blogs from all you wonderfully supportive people because it hurt seeing the preggo announcements, cycle phases knowing I would never do it again & it really hurt reading how sad you guys were with the BFN .  I’m getting stronger and able to read them again and hopefully able to provide supportive comments moving forward. 

I have been thinking about and doing IVF since 2011 and my god I won’t lie, it’s nice to not have to think about needles, what cycle day it is (though I still do), scheduling stupid pointless doctors visits, worry about upcoming events and which ones I may need to get out of, the rollercoaster of the TWw, finding the money and emotional strength for another round – all up we have spent $45k on this journey!!! Anyway the fucking ginourmas list goes on.

I totally know I need to focus on the now, how unbelievably lucky I am and make the most of every minute with my little man. 

I need to set little goals and look forward to possibly celebrating my 40th in Vegas next year? (I’m from Oz, so massive trip) …. But it also fucking hurts that I have reached the end of my journey.  I’m a bit in limbo, pretty sure I need time to grieve for my miscarriage last year and the further two frosties that didn’t make it.. Did I do everything I possibly could to make it work…probably not.who knows??  not going to beat myself up about that. 

So now what … universe come at me & show me what ya got! 

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Just a little patience…

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

The unknown is so bloody frustrating. Been keeping busy with a bit of work and resting on the couch with trashy tv when I can. 

Being my last chance ever to do this, I’m certainly feeling a fuckload of emotions and doing my best to power through with every ounce of my being.

I asked hubby if he had a “plan” for me if this doesn’t work ?? He said yes. I’m happy with that. I have no idea how I will respond if we are unsuccessful ๐Ÿ˜” ….I’m hoping I’m the opposite, but struggling to keep positive right at this point. 

I’m 60% 40% that it’s worked… Which is still good …so scared to hope but not going to stop hoping! Might spray some no.5 for a bit of luck while I’m feeling despondent today. 

As my once idol Axl Rose used to say …

Said, woman, take it slow

It’ll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience…๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

My nurse Lou Lou ๐Ÿฉ

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So far the wait is ok.. 7DPO and only 3 days since transfer.  I’m sick with sinus infection, feeling soooo tired which I’m happy about. Little twingey here and there in my bits, but nothing too major too report yet.

I’ve given work the arse and My beautiful Lucy Lui the cavoodle is looking after me today .

Hope all my fellow IVF’s,  TTC’s & Newley  IVF preggo chickies are doing ok, thinking of you all and your journey. Stay strong xx ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐ŸŒบ

Dr. Dickheadย 

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So it’s done…no.5 has been implanted and we wait till 18/4 for result!!!๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

Every time I know in my heart if it worked or not.  I must admit yesterday worried me a little as it was diff to every other time Ive had a transfer.

Dr walks in with barely a word (thanks dickhead) & shoves his machinery in and says so here’s the clamp, and begins what feels like a jack being lifted on a car wheel??   thanks captain obvious I guessed that. So my bladder is beyond full (last time it wasn’t enough) he spends literally 5 friken minutes poking around in there and no words were spoken? Chick doing ultrasound just kept moving around the wand on my guts. 

Was like they couldn’t find the lining? I was trying to relax and kind of holding my breath , my hubby was just watching and then finally the embrologist comes in and they do their thing. 

This time they don’t say it’s there in the lining and show us on screen, nor do I see it on the lining myself as I have previously. They say it’s done and ok and leave. 

Seriously I get that they all do it differently and the doctor is super smart and feels he is above us normal folk – but would it kill you to give me something during this experience?? Do they just forget along the way that we are human and this experience is pretty fucking emotional for us! 

I got up and wanted to pass out, I felt crap after this time and took a while to get back to myself. Did my usual trashy tv afternoon to relax and mum had my lil man. 

Anyway, aside from all the above..we are done and now we wait……. The hardest part of it all. 

๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿปโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธ

Lucky #5ย 

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So I have been a little MIA of late. Getting my head right and organised for our last ever FET ON Wed 6/4 ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

I had my last ever ovulation blood test on Sat morn and completely lost it driving home, I was a blubbering mess.  Certain songs just set me off then I was done. It was like I had an overwhelming sense of relief that I never have to have another ovulation test and after these next two weeks, never have to deal with IVF ever again.  We are emotionally and financially done, done, done!!! 

I ovulated day 12 of cycle which is earlier than usual! Got a chakra cleanse on Thursday and hopefully get some magic potion to make this little frostie stick โ˜บ๏ธ just want to know my angels are guiding me through this last leg of this journey, no matter what the outcome. 

I like the number 5! I love me a bit of Chanel no5, My birthday is on the 5th day of the 5th month and this will be our 5th transfer over the past 2 years. 

Positive thinking is all I can do.   I have a funeral tomorrow and my little man has an ear infection and I feel like I’m fighting a cold… But I am not giving up, fighting through all this.  I am  ready….I got this … 

Here’s the song I keep hearing! Old school, but I’m loving it 

http://youtu.be/Zzyfcys1aLM
๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

Different pages?

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Today I feel like I’m hanging in some kind of limbo land.  Life is continuing on around me, I’m keeping my head above water, just.  I can’t stop thinking about what to do next ? who to call for strength? Who to talk to? How the hell do I go through this last FET with any kind of positive attitude when my husband is DONE.  I lost him at the miscarriage last year. 

He was emotionally barely into the process then and the most recent one hardly at all and I know if I go again, I’m totally on my own emotionally.   It’s a tough one.   We are on different pages in life….he’s ready to have his life back or maybe his wife back, as I’m not sure how his life has changed since our IVF son was born 4 years ago, other than I don’t give him enough attn.   I still have half hope that we would have one more child to complete our family.   

Husband wants to travel again and says he’s not that keen on doing the whole baby thing again. He hit me with that news early this year. I assured him things would be different, I would try harder to do things differently and we as a couple will be ok.   I had super high expectations for my mum, friends, inlaws and husband – those expectations were smashed and now I have zero & know what to expect should I be lucky enough to be a mummy agAin.

I think I need to see a cousellor, do some reiki, get my chakras cleansed, do more yoga, ask my angles and fairies and all magical beings to guide me through this next decision.   I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just want this IVF journey over…. I know when I think about it I Do have the strength for one more time & I am fine (I’ll deal) with the outcome no matter what.

Having said that, how do I do this again if my husband isn’t really along for the ride?????  If I don’t go ahead, the resentment might tear us apart? If I do go ahead, selfishly I know I’ve given it my best shot and you can’t ask for more than that.

Ugh that was a lot of fucking crap in my head.  If you made it this far, good job!๐Ÿ˜œ this blog is purely my way to type out my emotions and get those bad boys outra my head.  Having said that, the support from you girls through all your journeys has been amazing! 

I think typing has helped this morning, though I’m still feeling in limbo land? Half hope, half agony…..

๐Ÿฆ„๐Ÿ”ฎโญ๏ธ๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐ŸŒบ

Mind games

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

My god this is torture! My gut is still telling me no, it’s day 29, blood test tomorrow… I’ve been an anxious mess and I know the progesterone pessaries are making my symptoms amplified.  

I had a coffee this morning and worked my arse off in front of my computer to keep my brain busy.  

This is the first IVF cycle I’ve done not going to a job….I think I prefer being at a bloody job, as the ease of chilling in the couch to watch reality tv, whilst I feel shit is way tooooo easy. 
I just want to know!!! Up at crows fart (6) for the blood test in the city then keep busy busy busy, till the phone call – eeeeekk ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

Tick Tockย 

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

As I sit here at this classy establishment that Is McDonalds, I ponder how the hell am I going to survive till the morning of 18th of March????? 

My little Petrie dish Miracle 3 year old is playing and I have been watching him and really feeling like wow I am so god damn lucky.

 Every night when I hug him before bed,   I do stop and realize how bloody lucky we are. 

So completely out of the blue whilst munching on nuggets at 10:30 this morn, he asks me why I don’t want a baby?? What happened to my baby and what size is it????all at once!!!  Omfg where did that come from? He was involved in me being preggo in Oct/Nov and I kind of just glossed over it when he asked where my baby was… He is so intuitive it’s crazy. I love that about him. I’m spiritual myself so it warms my heart he taps into my thoughts all the time.

Anyway I’m digressing …. I feel a bit sick (not from the maccas wrap) bit like that your pregnant sick.  I know my body so well it’s scary…I know when I surge – ovulate – period – pregnant … But so scared to hope that could this be it this cycle ?? Could I dare to hope. 

It’s early days I know…frostie was only put In yesterday , this is crazy. I’m sure it’s the delightful bullets I have to insert every night, the side effects… Technically I am PUPO so you know what, I am actually going to dare to dream. It can’t hurt right? 

I’m off to yoga now with my little man, I think thats a crazy idea but it’s worth a shot.  I need every bit of yoga I can get right now. It helps me focus and stay calm.  Wish me luck at this new class with toddlers haha๐Ÿ˜

Hugs and strength to you all, whatever your journey may be xx 

And we wait….๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Well it’s over ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป  

The two week wait begins and hopefully I can keep busy enough to forget about the pending all important jab.

I am feeling relieved, a little crampy and tired from being anxious about the day.  

Today’s a day off work and life, relaxing on the couch watching reality TV.  

God I hope this works๐Ÿฆ„

Time for the Vag clamps

assisted conception, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

So it’s been a while! A lot has happened over the last few months since my last post.  I had a successful 5 day blast frostie popped in and got pregnant on 20/10/2015!!  Yay…. Then I lost my baby at 9 weeks. 

Fair to say, my hubby and I were completed gutted and shocked as we were not expecting to hear that news. 

As we patiently waited in the doctors waiting room reading baby magazines, pondering the future and allowing ourselves to be excited … We were then completely floored to hear that our baby had died that morning inutero.  Fucking devastated. 

Since then I have pulled myself out of a sorry arse rut and used excercise and food to heal.  It’s worked mainly..I’m still pretty scarred to be honest. 

I am about to embark on another Frozen embreyo transfer this morning,  I have such a multitude of feelings I can’t keep up. I have only two frosties remaining and I am not sure how I can be as positive as I should be?? How do you do it?? 

I have only told my folks we are doing this today, flying this one solo…as I have said before the less you give to people the less you get hurt by the lack of compassion and support. Not their fault, they just have zero idea what you are going through. 

On our travels into the big smoke to get my clamps on and have a giant needle type apparatus in my lady bits for the fourth time on this quest, cycle #5… we are listening to completely inappropriate Eminem songs, whilst my husband picks his nails fucking loudly and the insane traffic ahead is killing me…. Time for the Bach remedy and yoga breathing…just breath old girl โ˜บ๏ธ we can do this!!