So now what…

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Ok so It’s taken me a while to get back to blogging about my IVF journey. Warning.. This is purely a mental long rant to help with my therapy. 

So first comes major denial, no tears, just numb, then angry, then overwhelming sadness consumes me most days….but I find my strength from somefuckingwhere and power through. I need to be there for my miracle man, husband and animals. 

Things need to be done, work needs to be completed, I have deadlines to meet – my business is booming & that helps & is great… But I’m struggling majority of the time to let go of the needy maternal feeling of wanting a little sibling for my son.

Seeing beautiful preggo woman pangs me in the guts, a friend just had her baby, I really want to be there for her more, but I can’t, I see the way my son plays alone and feel so sad I couldn’t provide him with a lifelong friend. I hope one day he understands why & I will ensure he is never lonely. 

I think hubby has been so busy with work he’s ok… I don’t know, he doesn’t say much?? I’m not ok and still need time to grieve.

I am drinking a bit more at night, that’s got to stop. Started boxing and ramping up yoga a bit to help. 

I admit I had trouble for a while reading the blogs from all you wonderfully supportive people because it hurt seeing the preggo announcements, cycle phases knowing I would never do it again & it really hurt reading how sad you guys were with the BFN .  I’m getting stronger and able to read them again and hopefully able to provide supportive comments moving forward. 

I have been thinking about and doing IVF since 2011 and my god I won’t lie, it’s nice to not have to think about needles, what cycle day it is (though I still do), scheduling stupid pointless doctors visits, worry about upcoming events and which ones I may need to get out of, the rollercoaster of the TWw, finding the money and emotional strength for another round – all up we have spent $45k on this journey!!! Anyway the fucking ginourmas list goes on.

I totally know I need to focus on the now, how unbelievably lucky I am and make the most of every minute with my little man. 

I need to set little goals and look forward to possibly celebrating my 40th in Vegas next year? (I’m from Oz, so massive trip) …. But it also fucking hurts that I have reached the end of my journey.  I’m a bit in limbo, pretty sure I need time to grieve for my miscarriage last year and the further two frosties that didn’t make it.. Did I do everything I possibly could to make it work…probably not.who knows??  not going to beat myself up about that. 

So now what … universe come at me & show me what ya got! 

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16 thoughts on “So now what…

  1. After doing IVF for so long it must be hard to finally draw a line in the sand. I think it is brave of you to say ‘enough is enough’. Now you can start looking forward to the rest of your life. No regrets – ok you guys spent a lot on IVF, but at least you know you did everything you could and gave it a shot xxxx Plus you were lucky enough to have one miracle!!! Good luck and enjoy Vegas trip next year – if you like nature then I really recommend a road trip round the south grand canyon, up to Lake Powell and Page (get a boat out!), Monument Valley, up to Moab (go off-roading), and then back down via Bryce and Zion national parks (Angels landing/narrows are a must do)!! For Vegas – it is all about the free drinks whilst gambling!! hehe

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    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful message. I am so lucky for my miracle lil man and I truly hope with all my heart your FET is a huge success !!!
      I would love what you suggested, I visited monument valley back when I was 21, but definitely didn’t appreciate it enough. I was looking for something a little different and honestly that is perfect I’ll google it now!! You’ve inspired & excited me & for that alone a massive thank you mate. I’ll keep my eye on you see how your progressing in your journey xxx 😊🌺🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

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  2. We just ended our journey today as well and aren’t able to give our son a sibling. It’s such a tough place to be I can totally understand.

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  3. I’m so sorry you’re still hurting. It really does mess with ones head. I’ve had and continue to have all those feelings. Keeping busy helps but doesn’t acknowledge the pain and loss. I guess eventually time helps and a lot of ‘f**k I deserve it moments’ but I’m starting to use too many of those😏. We did the U.S trip last year after a failed IVF and it was AWESOME, totally lifted the spirits. Look after yourself and each other. I hope the dark clouds lift soon and some sunshine comes out to give you some clarity to move forward with whatever direction feels right xx

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    1. Aw that’s so beautiful thank you, you are going through such a rollercoaster right now and I hope you are hanging in there with all your strength and I like your plan Z option. ☺️ I think A US trip is an awesome motivator and I have a “pen friend”STILL 😜 who lived in San Fran so that’s another reason to get back over there pronto. I’m feeling good today, have a little 5 day get away planned so that’s enough to keep me focused. You look after yourself too lovely, wishing upon all the stars for you xxx⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

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  4. I am glad you wrote an update, I have been thinking about you. I also agree that it is brave to know your limits and say enough is enough. And you absolutely can’t say you didn’t try. But this is a grieving process and it will take time. I recently picked up a book, “find your happy, daily mantras”. I really like it and it has helped me on my dark days.
    I wish you more peace as your days move on. And please remember.. your son is not alone. He has his loving parents, and he will have lots of friends and so many wonderful experiences. It isn’t what you envisioned for your family but you will be ok.
    I say these things because I say them to myself and I am finally starting to believe them. If we don’t give our son a sibling, he will be ok. We will be ok.

    And enjoy Vegas. We did it last June and its pretty big. Everything in Vegas is “big”. We also did a jeep tour in red rock canyon which was beautiful and it was nice because it was so close to vegas, although I wonder if it would feel similar to your Australian outback? For us east coast Canadians, it was a pretty amazing site to see. 🙂

    Wishing you well!

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    1. Aw thank you so much mate, lovely of you to think of little old me 😜 go you with the 9 frosties ! That’s bloody awesome & im praying for you lots of baby dust ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️. I might Suss out that book thank you, I love mantras so that sounds perfect! A jeep tour in the canyon is right up my ally, that sounds so cool! I’m adding it to my list right now ☺️👍 I am naughty and haven’t even travelled to the outback, that is on my bucket list though!!!! I’d love to go ride on a cattle station and enjoy the outback ☺️ wishing you well too & thank you so much again for your message it means a lot to hear from you. I know that if you don’t give your son a sibling you will most definitely be ok, the hurt does lesson each day and the good outweighs the bad for sure. I know it’s only natural to feel sad , I am taking steps to make sure it doesn’t consume me. Having said that…You though have 9 amazingly beautiful frozen miracles and you got this!!! You are in my thoughts during this joinery mate ☺️☺️☺️🌺🙏🏻👍⭐️ you go girl 😘😘😘

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  5. Please try not to worry about your son being an only child. I know it’s natural to worry and I would feel the same but I know so many only children who are incredibly amazing, successful, and happy individuals. I’ve even been envious of them sometimes as their parents can pour so much more money, time, and love into that one child rather than having to divide it up between them and other siblings. You are so lucky to have one child and he’s lucky to have you as you obviously care a lot about him xx

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    1. What a lovely message thank you so very much for your encouragement and support & that is true my little man will be so well looked after and perhaps a little spoilt 😜 but that’s ok ! Xx 🌺

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  6. I’m relatively new to blogging, but I have found it so therapeutic. Especially this week, just ‘getting it out’ makes me feel so much better.
    It’s also really helpful to read how others are feeling, just knowing your not alone on this journey makes it a little easier, so thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and allowing me to read them ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw no worries ☺️😘Absolutely you are so not alone and the community here is brilliant & supportive!!! I wish you heaps and heaps and truck loads of baby dust on your journey! Keep on typing as much as you can it’s amazing how therapeutic it can be. It really helped me through my last two cycles. 🙏🏻🙏🏻⭐️⭐️🌺 praying for you mate xxx

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  7. I’m sorry you’re hurting. But everyone is right. You gave it your all. It’s ok to decide it’s time to stop. Other parts of your life need attention too, and it’s ok to decide to put your focus there. You guys will be ok. The picture of your future has changed, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still a great picture. Hang in there.

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