Different pages?

assisted conception, FET, Frozen embreyo, Getting pregnant, ivf, IVF, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, trying to conceive, Uncategorized, unexplained infertility

Today I feel like I’m hanging in some kind of limbo land.  Life is continuing on around me, I’m keeping my head above water, just.  I can’t stop thinking about what to do next ? who to call for strength? Who to talk to? How the hell do I go through this last FET with any kind of positive attitude when my husband is DONE.  I lost him at the miscarriage last year. 

He was emotionally barely into the process then and the most recent one hardly at all and I know if I go again, I’m totally on my own emotionally.   It’s a tough one.   We are on different pages in life….he’s ready to have his life back or maybe his wife back, as I’m not sure how his life has changed since our IVF son was born 4 years ago, other than I don’t give him enough attn.   I still have half hope that we would have one more child to complete our family.   

Husband wants to travel again and says he’s not that keen on doing the whole baby thing again. He hit me with that news early this year. I assured him things would be different, I would try harder to do things differently and we as a couple will be ok.   I had super high expectations for my mum, friends, inlaws and husband – those expectations were smashed and now I have zero & know what to expect should I be lucky enough to be a mummy agAin.

I think I need to see a cousellor, do some reiki, get my chakras cleansed, do more yoga, ask my angles and fairies and all magical beings to guide me through this next decision.   I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just want this IVF journey over…. I know when I think about it I Do have the strength for one more time & I am fine (I’ll deal) with the outcome no matter what.

Having said that, how do I do this again if my husband isn’t really along for the ride?????  If I don’t go ahead, the resentment might tear us apart? If I do go ahead, selfishly I know I’ve given it my best shot and you can’t ask for more than that.

Ugh that was a lot of fucking crap in my head.  If you made it this far, good job!๐Ÿ˜œ this blog is purely my way to type out my emotions and get those bad boys outra my head.  Having said that, the support from you girls through all your journeys has been amazing! 

I think typing has helped this morning, though I’m still feeling in limbo land? Half hope, half agony…..


28 thoughts on “Different pages?

  1. It’s such an emotional time. You need time to grieve. I also totally recommend you both talk to a good councillor to get you both talking about what’s important and what direction you want life to go in. Give yourself time.. The dark clouds will lift xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s a little tricky yes, but I know we will figure it out. We have been together 22 years , this won’t break us โ˜บ๏ธ thank you so very much . I’m certainly finding support in unusual places which is truly lovely xx ๐ŸŒน


  2. It must be so hard to feel like you’re doing this on your own. The world will wait; you cant make babies forever. I’m sure your husband understands, deep down. Obviously you don’t want to lose him, but after a long time of marriage, I doubt it’ll happen now. Hopefully you’ll be able to make time for each other and find hope again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you that’s so lovely of you to say. We have found our way over the last couple of days to the final point and we will go ahead with the last embryo together ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป โ˜บ๏ธ๐ŸŒบ xx


  3. I’m so sorry you are dealing with these tough decisions. This is not anything that anyone should have to deal with, it shouldn’t have to be this way.

    But I agree with everyone else. We saw a counselor and it really did help. I think it helped B understand me better when another person explained it to him and told him that it was okay that I felt that way. I was frustrated that he didn’t talk much, but I can tell now that he was definitely listening.

    Good luck with your next step.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is such a hard process and takes a HUGE toll on your relationship. My husband and I are reading a book called “Love Sense” by Dr. Sue Johnson and it is helping us see where we are lacking on our emotional connection with each other. I totally recommend it if you are up for reading! Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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