Overwhelming much?

Today is day 1, well technically in cycle terms its day 2, but to me in my head – its day 1.  The beginning of a yet another massive emotional roller coaster month.  I have just picked up my needles/drugs and dropped my ball of strength somewhere along the way.  Not sure what the hell happened there.

I am suddenly overwhelmed and felt for sure I was doing ok, I was ready for this.  The instructions for all the drugs, going through the days of what I do when with my nurse (thinking in my head, I need to design a calendar to help me and my hubby visually understand what is coming up and project manage this like I do everything else), picking up the drugs and then heading home.  During all this I am taking longer than I thought I would be and hubby will be freaking out and needing to get to work!

I loose my strength and have a ball in the car.  Not like me, but well needed and fuck it, I can do this. Time to pick myself back up get home and start jabbing.

I empty out the bag of goodies on the kitchen table and wonder where the hell do I start and I don’t remember a bloody thing the nurse told me, there is so much stuff!!! What if I stuff it up, put the wrong needle in the wrong day, screw up the dosage? or shit, I had a cold and flu tablet this morning cause I am still sick – is that wrong, I had a coffee, should I have done that????

After about 10 mins of fumbling around I sit down in the kitchen while my little man plays in the lounge, totally oblivious to what I am doing.   I try and ring hubby to get some moral support, he doesnt answer…damn it I have to do this alone.

So with shaky hands grab my flabby guts and go to jab it, I try but my hands are shaking so bloody much I miss it and need to re insert needle.  I am stronger than this, not such a big deal, gotta beat the silly thoughts, grab the strength within and give it another go, which I do. Stings like shit and I am done.  Feels good to be done and i can do the rest no worries.

Feeling a bit sick now… will go rest while little man sleeps… heres hoping its a nice long one today as I need to “type it out”.