ivf keyboard therapy…time to type it out

My journey so far…

Ok..so where do I begin? This brutally honest blog is intended to provide me with some therapy while I go through my fourth round of IVF.

After years of trying, prodding, probing, chlomid, laprosectomy and golfballing,  I was finally told we had unexplained infertility.  After a few years of trying we were successful with a first attempt at a fresh transfer and in 2012 we had a beautiful boy that I am enternally grateful for.

Earlier this year I used my last two frosties and one by one attempted two more rounds. Unfortunately without success.  I am going through IVF again in the hope to give my little man a sibling, a mate, a best friend for life. I guess I feel like it will complete our little family and this path is what I am supposed to do.

There are a million people out there with way more going on in their lives right now than I do and I am also aware that I am extremely fortunate to have a child through IVF when other woman are not so lucky.  I feel so much for couples going through their journeys, their own destiny’s where they cannot understand “Why the Fuck is this not working!!.

This blog is all about me! for once I am being selfish and spending time on my little macbook to get my feelings out instead of holding them in as I have done in the past.  Screw the chores and the work I am supposed to be doing!  The only way I can get through this emotional roller coaster is to type it out! Hence the name of my blog “ivfkeyboardtherapy”.

I hope that in someway one or two people out there might like to also read my story and relate or feel free to share their stories as a way of therapy. No judgement here, just a place to vent with others who are or have been in the same boat.

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Celebrating Abby

So on the 27/6 my due date will come and go and I am wondering what to do to acknowledge and celebrate this day in a way that might help bring me closure.

Lately the grief and sadness about this miscarriage is consuming me and keeps surfacing no matter how hard I try to do other things and keep busy. The shrink I’ve seen is fucking useless! She’s a 100 years old, can’t hear properly & doesn’t remember each time I visit – so she’s fired as of yesterday.

I’ve found a medium/reiki/grief councillor that I am going to in July and hopefully nurture myself a bit. I’m looking fwd to that. She completely understood what I needed and hopefully this will help. I need the Angels help right now.🌟🌟🌟🌟

There’s Over 6 years of thinking about/doing/operations/cycle days/injections/babies/highs/lows to come to a close.  I know I am a strong person, I can do this but wow harder than I thought to get my head around everything.  Must keep going……I can beat this underlying sadness… I can accept my new path and learn to live with it.

If anyone has any nice ideas for celebrating Abby, feel free to share ☺️🌟💐 

So now what…

Ok so It’s taken me a while to get back to blogging about my IVF journey. Warning.. This is purely a mental long rant to help with my therapy. 

So first comes major denial, no tears, just numb, then angry, then overwhelming sadness consumes me most days….but I find my strength from somefuckingwhere and power through. I need to be there for my miracle man, husband and animals. 

Things need to be done, work needs to be completed, I have deadlines to meet – my business is booming & that helps & is great… But I’m struggling majority of the time to let go of the needy maternal feeling of wanting a little sibling for my son.

Seeing beautiful preggo woman pangs me in the guts, a friend just had her baby, I really want to be there for her more, but I can’t, I see the way my son plays alone and feel so sad I couldn’t provide him with a lifelong friend. I hope one day he understands why & I will ensure he is never lonely. 

I think hubby has been so busy with work he’s ok… I don’t know, he doesn’t say much?? I’m not ok and still need time to grieve.

I am drinking a bit more at night, that’s got to stop. Started boxing and ramping up yoga a bit to help. 

I admit I had trouble for a while reading the blogs from all you wonderfully supportive people because it hurt seeing the preggo announcements, cycle phases knowing I would never do it again & it really hurt reading how sad you guys were with the BFN .  I’m getting stronger and able to read them again and hopefully able to provide supportive comments moving forward. 

I have been thinking about and doing IVF since 2011 and my god I won’t lie, it’s nice to not have to think about needles, what cycle day it is (though I still do), scheduling stupid pointless doctors visits, worry about upcoming events and which ones I may need to get out of, the rollercoaster of the TWw, finding the money and emotional strength for another round – all up we have spent $45k on this journey!!! Anyway the fucking ginourmas list goes on.

I totally know I need to focus on the now, how unbelievably lucky I am and make the most of every minute with my little man. 

I need to set little goals and look forward to possibly celebrating my 40th in Vegas next year? (I’m from Oz, so massive trip) …. But it also fucking hurts that I have reached the end of my journey.  I’m a bit in limbo, pretty sure I need time to grieve for my miscarriage last year and the further two frosties that didn’t make it.. Did I do everything I possibly could to make it work…probably not.who knows??  not going to beat myself up about that. 

So now what … universe come at me & show me what ya got! 

Nope :-(

I’m numb, havent cried yet? I can’t , it just won’t come out.  I don’t know when it will hit me, but I know I’m so disappointed with the end result from lucky no.5.  Turns out she wasn’t so lucky after all.  A big fat fucking negative 😦 

That’s it now, we are done. We are emotionally and financially finished. I have a beautiful miracle nearly 4 year old – who I don’t take for granted ever. He gets told everyday how lucky I feel to have him.

I just hope he is not lonely like I was as a kid, I just have to make sure he has the best life I can possibly give him.

I will still keep an eye on all you girls and your journeys as I cannot thank you all enough for your support during this horrid and emotional rollercoaster journey while I’ve been “typing it out”.

Praying for you all to get your beautiful babies, never give up on your dream 🙏🏻🌺🌟⭐️ xxx 👧🏻

Just a little patience…

The unknown is so bloody frustrating. Been keeping busy with a bit of work and resting on the couch with trashy tv when I can. 

Being my last chance ever to do this, I’m certainly feeling a fuckload of emotions and doing my best to power through with every ounce of my being.

I asked hubby if he had a “plan” for me if this doesn’t work ?? He said yes. I’m happy with that. I have no idea how I will respond if we are unsuccessful 😔 ….I’m hoping I’m the opposite, but struggling to keep positive right at this point. 

I’m 60% 40% that it’s worked… Which is still good …so scared to hope but not going to stop hoping! Might spray some no.5 for a bit of luck while I’m feeling despondent today. 

As my once idol Axl Rose used to say …

Said, woman, take it slow

It’ll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience…🙏🏻

My nurse Lou Lou 🐩

So far the wait is ok.. 7DPO and only 3 days since transfer.  I’m sick with sinus infection, feeling soooo tired which I’m happy about. Little twingey here and there in my bits, but nothing too major too report yet.

I’ve given work the arse and My beautiful Lucy Lui the cavoodle is looking after me today .

Hope all my fellow IVF’s,  TTC’s & Newley  IVF preggo chickies are doing ok, thinking of you all and your journey. Stay strong xx 🙏🏻🌺

Dr. Dickhead

So it’s done…no.5 has been implanted and we wait till 18/4 for result!!!😁😳🙏🏻

Every time I know in my heart if it worked or not.  I must admit yesterday worried me a little as it was diff to every other time Ive had a transfer.

Dr walks in with barely a word (thanks dickhead) & shoves his machinery in and says so here’s the clamp, and begins what feels like a jack being lifted on a car wheel??   thanks captain obvious I guessed that. So my bladder is beyond full (last time it wasn’t enough) he spends literally 5 friken minutes poking around in there and no words were spoken? Chick doing ultrasound just kept moving around the wand on my guts. 

Was like they couldn’t find the lining? I was trying to relax and kind of holding my breath , my hubby was just watching and then finally the embrologist comes in and they do their thing. 

This time they don’t say it’s there in the lining and show us on screen, nor do I see it on the lining myself as I have previously. They say it’s done and ok and leave. 

Seriously I get that they all do it differently and the doctor is super smart and feels he is above us normal folk – but would it kill you to give me something during this experience?? Do they just forget along the way that we are human and this experience is pretty fucking emotional for us! 

I got up and wanted to pass out, I felt crap after this time and took a while to get back to myself. Did my usual trashy tv afternoon to relax and mum had my lil man. 

Anyway, aside from all the above..we are done and now we wait……. The hardest part of it all. 

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Lucky #5

So I have been a little MIA of late. Getting my head right and organised for our last ever FET ON Wed 6/4 😁😁😁😁🙏🏻

I had my last ever ovulation blood test on Sat morn and completely lost it driving home, I was a blubbering mess.  Certain songs just set me off then I was done. It was like I had an overwhelming sense of relief that I never have to have another ovulation test and after these next two weeks, never have to deal with IVF ever again.  We are emotionally and financially done, done, done!!! 

I ovulated day 12 of cycle which is earlier than usual! Got a chakra cleanse on Thursday and hopefully get some magic potion to make this little frostie stick ☺️ just want to know my angels are guiding me through this last leg of this journey, no matter what the outcome. 

I like the number 5! I love me a bit of Chanel no5, My birthday is on the 5th day of the 5th month and this will be our 5th transfer over the past 2 years. 

Positive thinking is all I can do.   I have a funeral tomorrow and my little man has an ear infection and I feel like I’m fighting a cold… But I am not giving up, fighting through all this.  I am  ready….I got this … 

Here’s the song I keep hearing! Old school, but I’m loving it 

http://youtu.be/Zzyfcys1aLM
🙏🏻

Happy Easter!

So it’s Easter weekend…. Hubby and I have been sorting shit out and we have reached a mutual descision to continue on.

I’m happy that we are both back on the same page,  as most people suggested, we needed time & you were right. 

This is it ….lucky last I guess you could say. Only one more chance and then for the rest of my life I no longer have to think about IVF…..EVER again.   Whatever the outcome, I will deal and all will be ok. I have enough strength for this one … Mostly thanks to all your guys. 

We are going to enjoy this weekend, the beach and have some wine and forget about the world for a bit. 

Happy Easter to you all xxx 🌟👍🙏🏻🐰🐰

Different pages?

Today I feel like I’m hanging in some kind of limbo land.  Life is continuing on around me, I’m keeping my head above water, just.  I can’t stop thinking about what to do next ? who to call for strength? Who to talk to? How the hell do I go through this last FET with any kind of positive attitude when my husband is DONE.  I lost him at the miscarriage last year. 

He was emotionally barely into the process then and the most recent one hardly at all and I know if I go again, I’m totally on my own emotionally.   It’s a tough one.   We are on different pages in life….he’s ready to have his life back or maybe his wife back, as I’m not sure how his life has changed since our IVF son was born 4 years ago, other than I don’t give him enough attn.   I still have half hope that we would have one more child to complete our family.   

Husband wants to travel again and says he’s not that keen on doing the whole baby thing again. He hit me with that news early this year. I assured him things would be different, I would try harder to do things differently and we as a couple will be ok.   I had super high expectations for my mum, friends, inlaws and husband – those expectations were smashed and now I have zero & know what to expect should I be lucky enough to be a mummy agAin.

I think I need to see a cousellor, do some reiki, get my chakras cleansed, do more yoga, ask my angles and fairies and all magical beings to guide me through this next decision.   I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just want this IVF journey over…. I know when I think about it I Do have the strength for one more time & I am fine (I’ll deal) with the outcome no matter what.

Having said that, how do I do this again if my husband isn’t really along for the ride?????  If I don’t go ahead, the resentment might tear us apart? If I do go ahead, selfishly I know I’ve given it my best shot and you can’t ask for more than that.

Ugh that was a lot of fucking crap in my head.  If you made it this far, good job!😜 this blog is purely my way to type out my emotions and get those bad boys outra my head.  Having said that, the support from you girls through all your journeys has been amazing! 

I think typing has helped this morning, though I’m still feeling in limbo land? Half hope, half agony…..

🦄🔮⭐️🌟💫🙏🏻🌺

Nope 😞

Gut was right, little embie did not stick and had a level of 15 today, it needs to be at 5 or less to fail but usually higher than 55. Fucking devestated and frustrated and feel stupid and greedy for trying for a second child. 

I have to go in Monday for another b.test to confirm, I know it’s not going to suddenly jump to positive. That’s a 2hour trip just for that and be told again.. Yep it didn’t work. 

I know I’ll be ok, I’ll allow myself time to process and re plan my next step. 

I honestly dont know what to do next..I have one frostie left… Can I do this again? Do i even have the emotional strength To deal with another and final disappointment..that’s technically 4 failed times now. When  is enough … How do I know the right decision … Should I donate my last frostie??? Considering that one is of the least highest quality, the chances of it working are less than the last 3. 

I truly understand the pain of infertility for people without any children at all, I am well aware how lucky I am. I just gotta vent. I’m sad and disappointed… 

Urgh such a Debbie downer post. I’m really not usually so blah… I promise ☺️